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Looking for where love is hiding in a family

The focus in a family constellation is not the evident problem. Mr. Hellinger says that psychotherapy is problem oriented and that by constant repetition the therapy reinforces the problem instead of alleviating it. In psychotherapy we are looking for a change. Something or someone is not "good" and needs improvement, growth, more of this and less of that. In family constellation work, the therapist simply looks for love. It is a treasure hunt and when the treasure, love, is found, it is acknowledged and cherished in the open. Once love is acknowledged everything falls into place.

In all families it is out of love that family members suffer. A child may become sick out of the love for their sick or absent parent. With his/her sickness the child tries to avoid suffering or the impeding death for mom or dad.

The Basic Theory

Each and every one of us is part of their family. The family functions as a collective system that can either promote or hinder the growth of its individual members. It can function harmoniously only, when every family member is awarded the place they hold and deserve. Perfect harmony is possible when each family member knows, honors, appreciates and lives the fact that they are part of a bigger unit.

Mr. Hellinger has found out that a certain order rules a family, no matter where this family is located globally. This order may seem very old fashioned to you, but let me explain it a little further below:

Because he usually represents the family in external affairs, the father often occupies the first place in a family constellation. This does not mean that he is the most influential person in the family (The most influential often is the mother). Number two is usually the mother, number three the eldest child, number four the second child and so on. This is not a moral judgement, but simply an observation Mr. Hellinger has made after having worked with literally thousands of families.

The present family and the family of origin

It is further differentiated between:

1- Your present family, which is made up of: husband, wife and children (if any) including stillborn or deceased children and possibly living or deceased former partners of the husband and/or the wife.

2-Your family of origin, which includes both of your parents and all of your siblings, alive, and/or dead.

As a general rule we work with the present family first. Because this is the system you live in! Working with the present family will reveal possible disharmonies in the family of origin, which will then be easily taken care of. I dare to say that in nine out of ten cases a clear diagnosis of the family dynamics can be made within ten to twenty minutes.

Nothing in these two systems ever changes. Your father will always remain your father, your mother will always remain your mother: even after a divorce, and ultimately, death. The same goes for other family members: your siblings will remain your siblings forever-until you die.

As long as this is understood and lived, the harmony in the family is secured. But what happens frequently and almost naturally is, that a member of the family will either (1) depart(by dying) or be cast out (2) (as a result of a quarrel, a crime or a mental illness) or be replaced by another (3) (in the case of a second marriage, or absence).

Now you have got yourself into trouble.

The first case

Before I was born my parents had their first child, my sister, and their second child, my brother. My sister Cornelia died after one day due to incompetent medical attention in the hospital. Then my brother and I were born. Because both of us never met my sister, she did not exist for us. This fact brought our family system out of balance: my brother grew up and performed the duties of the first child. A role that was not his to take, because in fact, he is the second child. As a result, he could not cope with the role he played, because that was actually my sister's role.

I grew up in the belief that we were two children only until I was 38 years old and became interested in Mr. Hellinger's work: In the spring of 1999 I visited my sister's grave for the first time. It was such a moving experience, I cried 38 years of tears for her and some open wound that I had carried all my life unconsciously was healed by the power of love. Amazingly the German authorities had kept the grave up, against the prevalent rules to keep a child's grave for only 25 years. Six month after my visit, the grave was removed from the graveyard. I am so grateful that I had a chance to bow down in gratitude to my sister at least once.

Once born, Mr. Hellinger says, a child becomes part of the family forever.

The second case

It is very common that family members are cast out of their family system as a result of some bad deed, a crime, a sickness, or a struggle that occurred in the family. These family members do disappear from the scene only physically. Energetically they remain in the family, and they do let their energetic presence be felt. Of course all of this happens on the subconscious level.

The third case

Naturally foster parents are tempted to take on the role of the actual parents. And in most, but by no means all cases, this leads to disharmony in the family and resentment from the child. The physical parents can never be exchanged for new parents; it is just not possible.

I do it for you

In another case someone in the family may take on the suffering of an already deceased family member, who is not acknowledged. A child may want to follow a dead grandfather into his grave- out of love.

Or a child may represent a former partner of one of his/her parents, which may play havoc in his/her present family.

You see, things are not necessarily what they seem. The villain often turns out to be the victim. Once understood, the bad guy isn't all that bad anymore and at the most deserves our compassion.


Family Constellations

			Theory
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